Cluster Fuck`D

Remember The Times.

2011-08-28T23:44:00.000-07:00

A drunk stumbles into a bar and orders a drink.

"I am sorry, sir, but it is not our policy to serve drunks here. You will have to go elsewhere," replies the bartender.

"Ah screw you! Who needs your drinks anyway?" says the drunk as he leaves.

The drunk comes back in the side door of the bar and orders another drink.

Much to the surprise of the drunk, the bartender refuses the man again.

"What the hell is the world coming to when a man can’t get a damn drink?" remarks the drunk as he stumbles away a second time.

Again, the drunk comes in the back door and once again sits at the bar and orders a drink, visibly upset by now.

The bartender the tells the man, "Listen buddy, this is the last time I am going to tell you, I am not going to get you a drink. Now beat it."

The drunk looks quite confused and then roars, "How many damn bars do you work at?"

You've Got Mirrors For Eyes.

2011-08-28T23:40:00.000-07:00

After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city.

In one of the stores, he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."

He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.

Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.

One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."

End of an Era.

2011-05-08T19:53:00.001-07:00

I want out. How do I put this nicely?

Quickie

2010-06-29T09:56:00.001-07:00

Q: What do 9 out of 10 people consider to be a good time?
A: Gang rape.

Blonde Joke

2010-06-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here".

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and wont move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.

The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Toronto, and I'm staying right here".

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when that land to arrest this blonde woman who wont listen to reason.

The pilot says, "You say she's a blonde? I'll handle this, I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde".

He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, "Oh, I'm sorry," and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy .

The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without and fuss.

"I told her, 'First class isn't going to Toronto' ".

Give Me The Keys You Cocksuckin` Motherfuclalalala..

2010-06-27T17:31:00.001-07:00

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation, so he decided to go to the doctor.

He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position.

The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well ... when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

Obessions..

2010-06-27T17:28:00.001-07:00

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children... "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."

Back in Business..

2010-06-26T13:55:00.000-07:00

Check out my new upcoming business. Only have YouTube site for now.

GreenOponics

Slow..

2010-02-05T04:46:00.001-08:00

So slow....

Shady.

2009-10-15T23:49:00.000-07:00

Ad #1

2009-10-04T16:13:00.000-07:00

Gokucat.

2009-10-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

New Phone!

2009-09-17T02:19:00.000-07:00

Behold ! The LG Cookie. I love this phone.. or maybe I love it cause I had a pink RazR before this. Either way, FUCK YES!

Quick Joke #2

2009-09-12T03:01:00.001-07:00

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by writing them on Post-it notes. I noticed their Disney password was "MickeyMinnieGoofyPluto," and asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they say it has to have at least four characters."

Quick Joke #1

2009-09-12T03:00:00.001-07:00

A man and a woman are in divorce court fighting over custody of their children. The Judge can't be swayed either way so he decides to give each of them a minute to give their best argument as to why they should be given custody.

The woman starts and says to the Judge: "Your Honor, I carried those children for the 9 month pregnancy. Then I went through the pains of labor to bring them into this world. I should be given custody because of that."

The man stands up to speak and says: "Your Honor, if I put a dollar bill into a soda machine and out pops a soda, Who's soda is it? Mine or the machine's?"

Penis.

2009-09-12T02:57:00.001-07:00

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?' Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.' The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

My brother gets married on live TV.

2009-09-09T13:47:00.001-07:00

Commerce-based 99 Cents Only Stores will treat nine couples to 99-cent weddings at its Hollywood store today -- 9-9-09 -- and a 9- pound, 9-ounce baby will receive $999.99.

The discount chain will send the couples off in a limousine, with $99.99 in cash, and take them to an undisclosed "famous romantic Los Angeles" spot.

All nine couples who get married in the store at 5270 Sunset Blvd. also will get a free night's stay, including dinner, at the Hotel Angeleno in Brentwood.

Actually, just one post.

2009-09-05T19:51:00.000-07:00

Busy.

2009-09-05T18:57:00.001-07:00

Sorry folks no posts today. Busy. Have a safe weekend.

David vs. Goliath

2009-09-04T17:03:00.000-07:00

Construction joke.

2009-09-04T16:58:00.001-07:00

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw so he sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't hear, so he does sign language. The man on the 3rd floor does sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor knods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the 1st floor and says," What the fuck is wrong with you dumbass? I said I need handsaw!!"

The other guy says," I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming."

Dirty daddy.

2009-09-04T16:50:00.001-07:00

A girl asks her dad for the car keys to go to her high school dance.

"Sure, after you suck my dick", he says.

"DADDY!?" she shouts, "how COULD you!?"

She runs upstairs, Then later decides she cant miss the dance, so she returns to get to work. She notices a foul taste.

"Daddy, your dick tastes like shit!"

He slaps himself on the forehead and says, "Oh yeah I forgot! your brother has the car!"

The temptation.

2009-09-04T16:47:00.001-07:00

True story, I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."

I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

The moral of this story is:

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

Feed the freak.

2009-09-04T16:44:00.000-07:00

A man returned from a trip to Shanghai and was feeling very ill. He went to see his doctor and was immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a series of tests.

The man woke up after these tests in a private room at the hospital and the phone by his bed began to ring. "This is your doctor," says the voice on the phone. "We have the results back from your tests and... I'm sorry, you have an extremely contagious deadly disease known as GASH. "GASH?" replied the man. "What is that?" "It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, SARS and Herpes," explained the doctor.

"My gosh, Doc," screams the man in a panic, "what are we going to do?"

"Well, we're going to put you on a strict diet of Pizza, Pancakes, Quesadillas and Pita Bread," says the doctor matter-of-factly.

"Will that cure me?" "Well, no," says the doctor, "but it's the only food that will fit under the door."

Funny nurse.

2009-09-04T16:39:00.001-07:00

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. I'm a professional.

In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then, said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, It couldn't have been bigger than the a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room.

Biggest Little Laker Fan!

2009-09-03T17:09:00.001-07:00

Drunk night.

2009-09-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

Badass #2

2009-09-02T17:06:00.001-07:00

Badass #1

2009-09-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

Slut.

2009-09-02T17:04:00.000-07:00

Jokes on you.

2009-09-02T14:06:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms.

Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing.

This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

"So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

"Yup."

"Where did he go?"

"Your house."

Soiled sheets.

2009-09-02T13:57:00.001-07:00

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was probably just another false alarm and stayed put in his bed. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."

Duck theory.

2009-09-02T13:55:00.001-07:00

If you live near a park or someone who has ducks this will provide you with hours of entertainment.

I’m not talking about the little kind that fly in the wild, I’m talking the big white ones that you see in parks.

Here’s what you do. Get a roll of kite string and tie a piece of bacon fat to one end.

Tie it on real good. Let out about 20 or 30 feet of string and tie the other end to a tree near the ducks.

Bacon fat will slide right through a ducks digestive system without any harm to the duck.

A duck will eat the end of the string and it will pass through him in about 20 minutes.

The next duck will come along and eat it.

Same process. The fun is to see how many you can get on your string.

Let's talk.

2009-09-02T13:54:00.001-07:00

A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Shady business.

2009-09-02T13:51:00.001-07:00

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf.

That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer "Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is." The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about."

The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and s says "Ask him again!"

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens !"

The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Sex talk.

2009-09-02T13:39:00.001-07:00

A man says to his wife during sex, "Hey, I think I'm gonna come in your ear this time."

"Absolutely not!" mutters his wife "I may go deaf!"

The man says, "Impossible! I've been coming in your mouth for the past 10 years and you still don't shut the fuck up!"

There is no spoon.

2009-09-02T13:36:00.000-07:00

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.

His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Another bar joke.

2009-09-02T13:29:00.001-07:00

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one.

He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one.

He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What's in your pocket?"

The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

Flavor of the Week : Susan C.

2009-09-01T16:54:00.000-07:00

I decided I want to add another section to my blog. What other way then Flavor of the Week. "She has that vampire look." Thanks Ted for the idea.

The big 100!

2009-09-01T16:26:00.000-07:00

My blog hasn't been up for more than a week now. Just yesterday I installed Google Analytics on the site and my report came in telling me I've had 100 visitors so far. People ranging from Alaska to Europe to Korea (Tim) have visited. Thanks for the support guys and enjoy this fucT up weather.

Disney buys out Marvel.

2009-09-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

In a deal that combines two of entertainment's most popular brands, The Walt Disney Company announced its agreement to acquire Marvel Entertainment and its over 5000 characters in a stock and cash transaction. Marvel shareholders will receive $30 and 0.745 Disney shares for each share of stock they own. This brings the total price per share to approximately $50, making the total value of the deal around $4 billion.

I have for one hate this idea. Butt fuck it.

Oopsies.

2009-09-01T04:12:00.001-07:00

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.

Blonde joke.

2009-09-01T04:09:00.001-07:00

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to
the stranger sitting next to her and asked,......

"Wow that is really sad, how many is a Brazilian?"

Tickle me Elmo.

2009-09-01T03:18:00.001-07:00

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday..."

"Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

Women. Be warned!

2009-09-01T03:08:00.001-07:00

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men break wind more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Question & Answer.

2009-09-01T03:03:00.001-07:00

Q: Why do women get periods?
A: Because they deserve them.

Boyce Avenue.

2009-08-31T17:37:00.000-07:00

Boyce Avenue, a Florida-based band popular for its strong acoustic roots and melodic rock sound, consists of the three brothers Alejandro, Fabian, and Daniel Manzano.

Being friends of friends with them I was asked if I can support them here. They play great covers for the latest hit song's. Check them out.

Official YouTube site page. Link
One Republic - Apologize - Link
Chris Brown - Forever - Link
Lifehouse - You and Me - Link

Sparkling wiggles.

2009-08-31T17:18:00.000-07:00

More of these can be found here.

New message box!

2009-08-31T16:30:00.000-07:00

Just added new message box on the right side under the "About Me" section. Leave a message.. or not.

Survivor.

2009-08-31T15:58:00.000-07:00

A cruise ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors, two men and one woman. They stay on a desert island, but its lonely, and soon the woman begins to have sex with the men left and right. But a year later, without rescue, she felt horrible about what she'd done and hung herself...the men were mortified.

"What are we going to do for fun?" they asked...then they turned to each other with a knowing smile.

A year later, they felt bad about what they'd been doing....

SO THEY BURIED THE BITCH.

Found it.

2009-08-31T15:51:00.000-07:00

For awhile I had a discussion with a few of my friends. The topic was about Entensity.net's "Damn Nigga" photos. Dizzie and I put up the first one ever. Browsing through archives I found the post.

Link to column post. Can be found here.
Actual direct link to picture can be found here.

Argument is finally closed.

LA on fire.. Again.

2009-08-31T05:11:00.000-07:00

42,000+ acre blaze threatens 12,500 homes. This heat ain't helping either. Wish them luck. If you wanna help, you can donate to the red cross. More information on donations and help can be found here.

CroCop returns to UFC.

2009-08-31T04:55:00.000-07:00

It's true. My favorite fighter and one of the most feared striker's of all time is returning UFC. He will be fighting Junior Santos at UFC 103 in Texas. You can bet your ass I'll be watching this one.

Link to the fight card can be found here.

Fun facts.

2009-08-31T04:29:00.001-07:00

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

100 Percent.

2009-08-31T04:26:00.001-07:00

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Changes.

2009-08-31T03:22:00.000-07:00

While L24kers was a great name, it just isn't for this site. I also added Lazy Links column where you'll be re-directed to some of my favorite sites. Welcome to ClusterFucT.

Bond.

2009-08-31T02:02:00.000-07:00

Quickie.

2009-08-30T17:40:00.001-07:00

Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his class,but she belonged to someone else.

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I’ll give you a 1000 dollars if you let me screw you, but the girl said NO.

Johnny said I’ll be fast, I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down,I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend.....

So she called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend says ask him for 2000 dollars, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down.

So she agrees and accepts the proposal. 30 minutes goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened.

She said "THE BASTARD USED COINS!!!!"

How the fight started..

2009-08-30T17:37:00.001-07:00

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So there we are alongside the road and slowly the driver gets out of the car... and you know how you just-get-sooo-stressed and life-stuff seems to get funny?

Yeah, well, I could NOT believe it... he was a DWARF!

He storms over to my car, looks up at me and says, "I AM NOT HAPPY!"

So, I look down at him and say, "Well, which one are you then?"

and that's when the fight started..

Dizzie, you're gonna love this one.

2009-08-29T21:00:00.001-07:00

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.

He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating, " her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked. "That's a Daddy Longlegs, " her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

"Well, we're not having any of that gay shit in our garden!"

Quick joke.

2009-08-29T20:41:00.001-07:00

A man and his wife were having a romantic dinner together when the man says, "I bet there's nothing you can say that will make me both happy and sad at the same time."

The wife replies, "Oh yeah, your penis is bigger than your brother's."

Not worth the risk.

2009-08-29T20:40:00.001-07:00

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."

The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"

The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Backfire.

2009-08-29T20:38:00.001-07:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Classroom discussion.

2009-08-29T20:35:00.001-07:00

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven."

Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?'

Oops.

2009-08-29T20:31:00.001-07:00

A guy sees his buddy in a bar and says, "You're not going to believe this, but I've got a wild nymphomaniac in my car out in the parking lot. She's wearing me out! Can you go out to the car and keep her busy? The dome light is off, so she won't know you're not me!"

His friend agrees and goes out to his car.

They climb into the back seat and start going at it.

A few minutes later, a cop sees them and starts banging on the window, shining his flashlight inside. "What the hell do you two think you're doing?"

The guy says, "Oh, there's nothing wrong, she's my wife."

The cop says, "Oh, sorry, I didn't know."

The guy says "Neither did I until you shined that light in here."

Listen.

2009-08-29T20:28:00.001-07:00

Ugly ? or Beautiful?

2009-08-29T20:27:00.001-07:00

Nothing's perfect.. Really?

2009-08-28T19:44:00.001-07:00

When friends just don't cut it.

2009-08-28T19:43:00.001-07:00

Put a smile on that face.

2009-08-28T19:42:00.000-07:00

My state of mind as of 5:00pm.

2009-08-28T17:01:00.001-07:00

Perpetual motion the image won't focus,
A blur is all that's seen.
But here in this moment like the eye of the storm,
It all came clear to me.
I found a shoulder to lean on.
An infallible reason to live all by itself.
I took one last look from the hearts that I once loved,
And then I ran like hell..

Geek is the new sheek.

2009-08-28T15:44:00.000-07:00

Support Tony Tones. Hit up his Blogspot.

Crazy Edna.

2009-08-28T04:36:00.001-07:00

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

Irish love.

2009-08-28T04:30:00.001-07:00

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin.

When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.

"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"

Observation is KEY.

2009-08-28T04:13:00.001-07:00

A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies, and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, pulls it out, and then licks it. He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them. After a couple of minutes' silence, they follow through with his disgusting command.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation: How many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index finger?"

Finals.

2009-08-28T04:09:00.001-07:00

There were these four college kids, and on the night before their final exam, they partied.

The next morning when they woke up, they realized that they had missed the test, so they all gathered together and thought of a plan. They decided to go to the professor and tell him that they had a flat tire.

The professor hears the story, smiles, and says "Ok, just come in tomorrow to take the test."

They ran home excited because they had tricked the professor.

The next day, they went to the professor and he handed each of them a test and put them in four separate rooms. It was a two question test, get one wrong, and you fail.

They each saw the first question and smiled because it was such an easy question. They each turned the page, excited that everything was going very well for them.

The second question was: "Which tire was flat?"

Ho. Ho. Ho.

2009-08-28T03:52:00.001-07:00

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.

He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle," he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates,"

Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said,

"They're bells." Saint Peter said, "You may pass through the pearly gates."

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carols."

Let's recycle..

2009-08-28T03:51:00.001-07:00

I phoned up a really gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn't BELIEVE it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic.

"Wow! I said, I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah," I said, just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying she thought tubby bald men were cute.

"Anyway," she said, "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!"

So I hung up on the fat bitch.

There's always another way.

2009-08-27T17:05:00.000-07:00

Moral of the Day.

2009-08-27T08:59:00.001-07:00

I was walking down the street today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty bucks, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

Work work.

2009-08-27T08:45:00.000-07:00

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

Rearrange game.

2009-08-27T08:43:00.001-07:00

George Bush - rearrange the letters - He bugs Gore.
Dormitory - rearrange the letters - Dirty Room.
Evangelist - rearrange the letters - Evil's Agent.
Desperation - rearrange the letters - A Rope Ends It.
The Morse Code - rearrange the letters - Here Come Dots.
Slot Machines - rearrange the letters - Cash Lost In 'Em.
Animosity - rearrange the letters - Is No Amity.
Mother-in-law - rearrange the letters - Woman Hitler.
Snooze Alarms - rearrange the letters - Alas! No More Z's.
A Decimal Point - rearrange the letters - I'm A Dot In Place
Eleven plus two - rearrange the letters - Twelve plus one.

I wish everyday was halloween..

2009-08-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

Found some pretty crazy costume ideas..

The Dark Knight - Joker robbery mask : Link
The Dark Knight - Joker hospital outfit : Link
Michael Jackson - Bad music video outfit : Link
Donnie Darko - Frank : Link
The Watchmen - Warshack mask (It just looks nuts) : Link
The Cat in the Hat - Dr.Suess : Link
The Karate Kid - Cobra Kai : Link
The Karate Kid - Skeleton (Can be used for Donnie Darko) : Link
The Spirit - Himself : Link
The Wicked Oz - Skarecrow (Amazing quality) : Link
The Wicked Oz - Lion : Link

Ecstacy at it's finest.

2009-08-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

If you think he's on a good one.. Look at the people in the background at 00:23.

He should've got a ring too.

2009-08-27T07:30:00.000-07:00

Mama. There goes that man..

2009-08-27T07:28:00.001-07:00